Reuben Chonzie

Lilongwe University of Agriculture and Natural resources: Malawi

(“How dare you talk to me like that, you think you are the only woman in this world? Am not going for circumcision, if you want let’s break up, I will never make love with you again”)

On that Sunday morning people from every corner of the town gathered in the church like there is morning devotion. In my favourite black suit standing next to the church pastor I saw my parents, relatives and friends smiling as I was waiting for my angel. In a slow motion one step after another and with a smile in her beautiful face I saw her in a white vail approaching me. The gazing of her face brought a lot of happiness in my heart like the saints watching the coming of Jesus Christ in the clouds. That was the day I knew that I hold a beautiful woman in my arms.

I used to live in a little town called Kambuchi that was located in the north east of our beloved country Tombochi, a town full of big men from different organizations both governmental and nongovernmental organizations, kambuchi was a town where people used to swim in money. At 25 years old I was a program manager of one of the famous nongovernmental organizations of that time. What I am trying to communicate is that money was not a problem. Her name was Alex, nick named the queen of kambuchi, a very faithful and prayerful woman. She used to live with her aunt.

During valentine day I went to a famous shop in our town to buy suit for presentations at DEC meeting, when I entered inside the shop I saw people buying valentine gifts for their loved ones. I had no one to buy gift for, so I was feeling shame for not having someone in my arm for that special day. Accidentally I saw a beautiful lady walking in the shop alone, I knew she was alone, so I bought her flowers and say happy valentine. She received while laughing. What is your name? I replied “Godwin and you?” “Alex”. That was our first meeting and our first conversation. One day I took her to Katubwi national park, it was her first time to be there and she was very excited. We had a very good moment and that was the beginning of our relationship. Our relationship grew deeper and deeper and we became very close, every Saturday she used to take me to church, it was nice sitting next to my girlfriend at church and everyone knew that we were in love.

In life there are some little things that we don’t pay much attention to, maybe because they are miniature but they mean a lot to our life, the absence of this little things can cause a lot of problems in our relationship. After two years in marriage we had a beautiful daughter who brought happiness in our marriage. Something very unfortunate happen, it was a very little issue in my understanding but it resulted into an enormous problem. Three years after the birth of our daughter I started noticing some changes during love making, it was like the work was being done on a tree and sometimes she was just doing it to help me but it was boring to me. During the first days I thought she was not in good mood but to my surprise the problem proceeded until a point where I could not take it anymore. I asked her “Alex what is the problem” she looked straight into my eyes and replied “am sorry I have tried my best to hold it but I have failed, I thought things will change with time but nothing has changed, the truth is I don’t feel anything during love making, you are not sweet its better you go for circumcision”. The explanation was very strong for me, I lost my confidence and self-esteem. I thought I have been insulted beyond a point where any man can handle. I became very furious but I was speechless. The only thing I can remember was to call her parents and tell them that I don’t want their daughter anymore. I saw my wife shedding tears like water from a stream, begging me to change my decision, she asked for a discussion in order to find solution to our problem. But I could not take it, I wanted to show her that I am a real man. I knew she could not fight with me because she was very quiet, royal and faithful. She tried her best begging me not to quit the marriage but I paid a deaf ear to her. In the end she moved out of the house quietly and went to her parents. That was the end of my marriage.

Years have passed, each and every day I always shed tears when I remember how my marriage ended. I cannot say I had no choices. I had a lot of choices to save my marriage but I had a very wrong perception of being a man. I knew my wife really loved me that much and her problem with me was only sex. If and only if I could have understood her in a positive way we could have worked together to solve our problem.

One day I met a certain lady in my way back from work, she was a member of our church choir and a very active member in the church. That day she was not in good mood so I asked her what was the problem. She said that she made a wrong choice to enter into marriage while being a virgin. I wanted to know what exactly she was trying to communicate, so I asked her “sister what do you mean” she replied that “during love making with my husband I don’t feel what other women feel.  I mean that I have never experienced orgasm in my life. If I could have tried with other men before getting married it could have made me a difference”.  I couldn’t believe that those words were coming from such prayerful woman, but I was made to believe because of what my wife told me. One day during work hours my secretary came in my office. We started talking about our life experiences, so she started narrating what she did before her wedding day. She said that “my husband was the only man I knew since my high school and college life, so when it came a time for us to get married I found a certain guy who was a womanizer, it was his habit to go from one woman after another so we started having sex frequently and he fell in love with me. After three weeks I told him that I am getting married, he was very sad and furious at me for breaking his heart but at the end I managed to get what I was looking for. I wanted to test other waters before getting married”.

My position as program manager exposes me to a lot of women, I learned many stories from women and that was the time I knew that sex in marriage is a very serious issue. Our culture encourages people to abstain from sex until getting married but does it nurture us with best communication skills during love making? I know most people can think that the question is ridiculous but to those who have ever encountered this problem can find some sense in that question. Sex is done for two reasons, for reproduction and for pleasure but among human kind 98% of sex is done for pleasure. I don’t know which the best is, should people enter into marriage with experience? Or without experience? But what I know is that couples need to have good conversation on sex issues and they must discuss ways of getting satisfaction during love making.

It is very hard for most men to take such kind of words from a woman, most men believe that as far as they are satisfied so do their partner. So because of that perception no man is ready to receive an honest response from his wife. In most marriages, couples face a lot of problems to handle sex issues, because of how sensitive sex issues are. A lot of people spend many years in marriage without being satisfied during love making with their loved ones. Since our culture does not have a good crew for couples to discuss these matters and this makes a lot of people go out of the house to search for satisfaction which increases the risk of HIV infection. Sometimes lack of satisfaction in sex between married partners results into divorce which compromises the future of children hence increasing poverty.

Life has taught me kind, though I failed to respect your feelings as my wife, I still have the decency to say am sorry for understanding the situation in a cultural context, you are still the one and only.  


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